Singled Out - Taking Initiative

As we head into this time of year, there is plenty of excitement all around with kids going back to school. For those that are returning to the same school with the same group of friends, there is a sense of positive energy for the most part. There are also the children who will be new to school: moved over the summer, transition years (elementary to middle & middle to high), and then there are those just starting school. We as parents are trying to get our rising kindergarteners excited about transitioning from preschool they and we have known for years to big kid school, where if we're lucky, they might have a child at the same school. Let's take a minute to think about the kid who transitions to a new school after the school year has started. This kid will for quite some time be known as the new kid. She didn't start the school year knowing her BFF would be there the 1st day and she didn't meet with & bond with her BFF on the 1st day because she wasn't there on the 1st day of school. She came into this solo after people had established some routines & the only way to break through this is to find a few people to connect with quickly. Being single and specifically being a single parent feels a lot like walking around with the label of new kid. When we enter the phase of our lives where we have children, for the most part, there is another party involved. The parents become friends with other parents often simply by default. We hang out with these other couples as we have this in common. We call the other couples and invite them to partake in different activities. By nature, the majority of the population fall into the category of extroverts and enjoy being around others. The new kid, despite circumstances enjoys that too. Being part of a couple does help bring about confidence in these situations, much like as kids we figure out when & where to meet our BFF to walk into school together, etc. I don't think I realized how strong this was until I was part of a couple. I suddenly felt like it was ok to talk to other parents & know that I wasn't trying to be a home wrecker. (Stupid fear, yes, but also true. While I never had any intention or any action for them to think otherwise, I was always concerned with being ostracized for absolutely no valid reason.) The nature of why couples tend to mingle with other couples is also out of convenience. There is usually one partner who tends to make the plans for both and this ensures that both partners have someone to talk to, but this isn't and doesn't have to be the case. The reality is that often we do revert back to middle school: the girls with the girls and the boys with the boys. If you're single, it sometimes requires a little extra work to become part of those circles. You aren't necessarily being left out because they want to leave you out, you're not getting an invite because they just didn't think to invite you. This doesn't mean to become tag along Sally, but it does mean that from time to time, you need to be the one to speak up and be the coordinator. When you know that your path will cross someone else's or it would be fun to meet somebody out with the kids, ask. This can be difficult to do, but not doing it puts you in a position of missing out even more. This was one of the barriers I allowed to get in the way of attending church (who am I going to sit with? Never mind, it's just easier to stay home & watch church on tv.) I finally had to ask myself how can I possibly think this is helping my child or myself? Sure, I enjoyed sleeping in, extra snuggles, & not rushing off, but that whole lack of basic Bible knowledge I grew up with sucked & I can't do that to my kid. She needs a strong Christian base as I promised to provide. I needed to quit church shopping and pick one already for stability. We're still in the early phase of adjusting, but it's an important one and tonight, Pea Pie was able to realize that this will also keep her connected with her BFF, despite attending different big girl schools. They can still meet and spend time together in the best way, at church, on a regular basis. In spite of her BFF's mom reaching out to me, I still lacked the confidence to walk into church solo and become a part of it, but this is important to do. What circumstances have caused you to step beyond your comfort zone and try something new, solo?

(Originally posted 8/24/13)